I want to preface this post by saying that I still love my blog and I still love spreading the word about books and volunteering at book festivals. I decided to put it all out there because I think the more we talk, the less alone we feel and because I know that reading these types of posts always makes me feel a little better. I don’t often get personal on this platform. It’s pretty much all books, but this has been weighing on my mind.
Oh, the plans I had at the beginning of 2016. I as going to find my momentum as a blogger and up my game, as they say. I had special features planned, reading schedules worked out, and it was all going so smoothly! In the spring, though, I discovered a health issue and had a pretty stressful health scare on top of that (both are more or less fine now) which threw me for a complete loop. One of the loops I am being thrown into, so to speak, is recognizing that one of the byproducts of the new condition I’m dealing with is anxiety. Honestly, I didn’t recognize that it was anxiety for a long time, so it has been an adjustment. Once I came out of that funk, I felt like my brief time away made me invisible. I kept reading and posting reviews, but interacting with people just wasn’t coming naturally. (It never does with me, but its usually a little easier online). I felt like I was irrelevant, out of date, and generally just part of the cacophony of book bloggers. Now, I know I’m not a special snowflake, but I have never felt quite so invisible. I also know that I contain multitudes and that blogging isn’t 100% of my life but it’s a pretty important part of it and has been for five years. I’m not ready to let go. It’s a space that I carved out for me, not for my job or for my kids, but for me. I think that’s why, at a time in my life when I feel like I’m merely a cog in the wheel of the family machine, I need a space that is my own. The thing about having a space you love, though, is that you want others to love it, too. I am not going to lie and tell you that stats don’t matter to me, because they totally do. We know that they matter to publishers, too, so I still feel that drive to try to bring visibility to my space, but I don’t always feel like I have the time or knowledge to constantly improve.
A part of me feels guilty for not doing enough, which I know isn’t a rational feeling, but I’m a type A personality, so feeling guilty for not achieving is sort of a hobby of mine. The other part of me says f*ck it and just keeps plodding along. I recognize that part of the problem is that I am comparing myself to people who have more time to work on their blog. There are bloggers out there who seem to have an infinite storage of time with which they can carefully craft beautiful Instagram photos of books, or come up with creative ideas for posts, while I feel lucky if I can put a scarf under a book, trying to take a photo before my 7 year old wants to get in the picture or needs dinner. I am just as thankful for that book as the other blogger, but do the publishers feel that way? I wonder. They are sending the books out in hopes of increasing visibility, after all.
I am glad that there are blogs out there that are so awesome because it strengthens the community, but it’s hard, too, because I struggle with feeling like I have to keep up with the others in order to be heard or appreciated. That’s my problem, though, not anyone else’s. It’s my job to find fulfillment in my blogging, but since I’m being honest, that’s the way I feel, sometimes.
Despite my whining, I do truly love blogging. It has been a positive force in my life and perhaps I need to find my joy through more quality interactions rather than trying to be heard by everyone, but I know that’s something that I will always struggle with because that’s who I am. I think, despite the recent drama, that this community is a force for good in the world. Book people are the best people, I always say, and I’ll hang onto that until my mojo decides to come back.
Do you ever feel this way? What discourages you when you blog and how can we help each other?
I know my blog won’t ever be as popular or will have the stats or will reach as much as many of the very awesome blogs out there, and I’ve come to terms with it. Blogging about books is something I love doing because I love books, but I don’t want it to become a source of stress, so I will take breaks when I need to, and I will make it as best as I can, but I won’t allow it to be something else to fret & worry about!
I hope you can find the right balance for you, Kate, between loving blogging and the fight to keep the blog relevant as you want!
Thank you Pili!! You have a great attitude (and blog). 🙂
Ugh. I relate to this post on SO many levels, Kate. There are days when I have more motivation to work at it, and then there are days where comparing myself and my blog to others just makes me want to quit it all and go back to being just a regular old reader again. The thing that keeps me going, I think, is that at the end of the day, maybe I did reach someone. Someone who needed exactly the book I was fangirling over.
I also have to keep telling myself that this is MY problem, that others’ blogs and Instagram pictures aren’t better just to spite me. Those people just have more time to throw at their blog, and although my blog is my little space in the world, as you said, I also have to prioritize my time, and sometimes blogging is the thing that gets left by the wayside. I used to try to post every single day, but that led to some serious stress, and I already deal with enough anxiety as it is.
If it helps any, you seem like one of the most “with it” bloggers I know. I never would have thought you struggled with these feelings, too. You just seem like one cool cucumber, just going with the flow. 🙂 I’m not happy to know that you struggle, as well, but it is always nice to know you’re not alone.
You are so sweet! I am totally not with it, on the inside. Ha! I agree that we make out own happiness. In the end, those awesome folks make the community stronger.
Kate. I’m glad you shared your perspective with us today. I eagerly look forward to your blog posts – I’m a fan of what you have to say in the book world. I guess I just want to tell you to keep reading what you love and remember there are those of us out here reading your words. On my part, I will try to comment more. xo
Thanks, Jennifer – I really appreciate that!
Kate, I definitely feel the same way at times, but then I try to remind myself why I am blogging. It’s not to be known by everyone, but to share my love of books with other people who love books. I admit to rushing posts out just to get them out, to keep blogging, but it’s hard when the quality isn’t what I want because I don’t have time to devote to writing. I just started a new job, and I’ve missed posts in the last couple of weeks, and it’s kind of killing me. I want to have time to write because my blog is my personal thing (just like it is to you). I get upset when life gets in the way – which is kind of sad. It’s hard to make time for yourself when you’re working full time and being a mother. I definitely hear you! I follow you via Bloglovin, so whenever you post, I’m hear reading – no matter how long between posts. 🙂
Thank you, Kate! I appreciate that so much 🙂
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with anxiety :/. I’ve been dealing with PTSD, depression and anxiety for years. I’m glad that your health scare has been more or less dealt with.
I completely understand what you mean about the time-consuming nature behind blogging. For what its worth I think you’ve been doing a fabulous job!
Co-blogging with Ellen has been really beneficial for me. I love that I have a friend to blog with, and that I don’t feel the pressure to post everyday because we’re there to support each other and remind each other that this is supposed to be fun!
I hope your mojo comes back :).
Kate, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You’re right–it’s nice to know you’re not alone. I disappeared from the blogosphere for a while because life was too busy. When I wanted to come back, I spent a long time debating if it was worth it. Even though these aren’t the end-all, be-all, stats matter, reach matters, time matters. We write reviews to promote the books, and it doesn’t seem worthwhile if all the time we spend is only for ourselves. I certainly don’t have all the answers. I just keep reminding myself that the community is there, that I find more great books I never would have known about otherwise, and I enjoy the stories. And for what it’s worth, I think that you do a wonderful job here. You have quality content going up, and I know I can trust your reviews.